Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Getting ignored by even the old ugly women at work- your life sucks.

   If I had to do it all over again, I’d do it from a bar.

   This holiday season, please keep the 'Groundhog' in Groundhog Day.

   I just watched the "Times for the Seasons" video, glamour sexy hot chicks from the 60s, the realized they're now either past 80 or dead. ENJOY LIFE GUYS! its over soon

   I Can't Believe It Is And Is Not Schrödinger's Butter

   SpellCheck has saved MILLIONS of drunk morons, and has been the scapegoat for stupid people since it's invention.

   Once I run out of the reasons to argue that's when I'll divorce

   Women: So glad the weekend is finally here so I can wash the dishes, mop the floors, clean the toilets, dust the furniture and do the laundry! YAYNESS!!!

   If you worry about what might be, and wonder what might have been, you will ignore what is.

   It started out innocent enough. - Whiskey

   snapchat is creating it's own brand of human beings separate from the rest of us, people who think dog filters and squished faces are cool

   . Those who want to live meaningfully and well must help enrich the lives of others,

   .... HA! ..... Ya ..... It's all fun and games till you realize it isn't a video game ..... It is real life ......

   What is the Biggest Benefit of having a crush in the same college where you study? . . . . 100% Attendance...

   If you name your child Penny, you can't really have very high expectations...

   Last night, I binge watched "The Joy Of Painting" with Bob Ross on the first night Netflix streamed the show.

   Turns out that the "Poop Deck" was improperly named. Apparently ..... that is what something called the "Head" is for! Guess I soulda done more research before I went on this cruise.

   Your body expands in the Summer which is why it's important to use weight in the Winter.

   If you're feeling down, I can feel you up.

   I was only "premature" in a medical and historical context. It was right on time from my perspective.