Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The corner of my bathtub is also referred to as "The Shampoo Bottle Graveyard" ?*

   Wow I get alot of e-mails.... I can't believe so many "singles in my area are dying to meet" me. It's probably all of the I-pads I've won and money they are sending to my bank account from The Nigerian Chambers Of Commerce . Since Prince Howgul Abul Arhu

   I bet the old guys that apply for the mall Santa job positions are undercover pedophiles.

   My New Year's Resolution For 2012: I Vow Only To DRINK ON THE DAYS That Ends With The Letter "Y" (-̮•̃)

   To all the people claiming how much better the android is then the iPhone id like to see you ask your android "where da hoes at!?" and get a response like "there are 3 amount of strip clubs near by.

   Finally baked my wife her favorite cake. She took one bite and spit it out. I feel so stupid....she meant "Carrot Cake" not " Parrot Cake" That was a wasted trip to the pet store.

   There is no greater threat to world peace than an idiot running on the loose with a bible/Koran in his hand.

   They say fat people need love too. No they need a DIET!

   "Why would I want to thank a Vet when he cut my balls off?" -The Dog

   TV evangelest Billy Graham was admitted to the hospital yesterday after falling seriously ill. Don't worry though, all he has to do is send himself a couple hundred dollars, and he should be miraculously healed...

   It's so ironic that they keep calling us sheep, yet they're the ones taking medicine from the petting zoo.

   The two post down proves it. No matter how absurd it is, if Trump said it, the sheep will say it's right. At least I finally know the truth.

   how do you stop a RAVENS fan from masterbating? Paint it BLACK and GOLD he will never beat it again!

   overheard a Younger Boy yell "Girls Got Cooties!" I Laughed, And then I threw him a Condom."

   ♬ ♫ ♪ ılıll|̲̅̅●̲̅̅|̲̅̅=̲̅̅|̲̅̅●̲̅̅|llılı ♪ ♫ ♬♪♫ Rock On \,,\(^_^)/,,/

   can't find Sesame Street on his/her GPS, Do you know how to get to Sesame Street?

   Hey baby, whats your sign? Girl blushes and says: stop! Me: Oh, I thought it was slippery when wet.

   i like your teeth...yellow is my favorite colour

   Well guys, if you want to have a baby born on 11/11/11 better go home tonight and put the meat to her

   well a very, very heavy uh heavy der burtation tonight, we had a very daris darison, bite.. lets go hit taris tazen los tada bet dahadapet....there's no telling what you'll say when you have a migraine.