Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've come here to chew bubble gum and get laid. Looks like I'm all out of bubble gum.

   Amanda Bynes is the new Linsay Lohan.

   Marriage is like a public toilet.Those waiting outside are desperate to get in.Those inside are desperate to get out

   Whenever a bird poops on my car I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just to let them know what I'm capable of.

   I missed Obama's speech....Someone please tell me there will be a rebroadcast translation of Obama's speech into Pirate speak this afternoon??

   thinking of starting a thread on facebook.... public restrooms need seat warmers!!!

   If you only walk in the day, how do you know that the night is bad? And if you walk in the night, how do you know the day is better? It is those who walk in the twilight who truly know the beauty of both. -Jenny Sands

   I feel like someone is stalking me... Wait, it's just my shadow.

   Busta Rhymes read all the Harry Potter books to me in about 3 minutes 47 seconds.

   Dear Jamie Lee "Stupid Liar Face" Curtis, I ate 32 Activia yogurts an hour ago and nothing has h

   I noticed today that my EX- Wifes' smart-phone is actually smarter then she is, come to think of it a pre paid walmart cell phone would be smarter then her too.

   Today is International Women's day AND ALSO Fat Tuesday.. Coincidence??...I think not

   The only pick up line guys will need on December 20th, 2012 is --> "let's live every day as if it's our last"

   Sammy Hagar says he was abducted by aliens. I thought he was an alien.

   thinks that if ever there comes a time when air is going to be sold, I bet the first people to start that business would be the guys making potato crisps....well, they are already selling us bags of air with some crisps!

   BREAKING NEWS!! The Pity Train has just derailed at the intersection of Suck It Up & Move On, and crashed into We All Have Problems, before coming to a complete stop at Get Over It. Any complaints about how we operate, can be forwarded to 1-800-waa-wah wi

   Scary Halloween costume idea: nobody having more respect for women than Donald Trump.

   Dear Mr President: Stop spraying manure everywhere, it now smells in Alaska

   The only people that should be in cages are strippers.

   According to my wife, my fashion style is "are you going out like that?"