Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   .... To the guy at Sam's club: thanks for parking in all 4 spots...I'm the one who thought that big empty space was the carriage return... Oops. How'd that work out for you d*#k head????

   Eating at KFC makes me feel sluggish, a little slow, and my eyes are droopy. I think it might be Double Down syndrome.

   Tough decisions... Beat off in the shower and waste water or use Kleenex and add to landfill? What can I say? I love Mother Earth and big t*tties!!

   Female driving instructors... The equivalent of a blind person teaching kids to read.

   Jack & Jill.. went up the hill 2 fetch a pale of water, god knows wht happened.. they came down wid a daughter !!

   Would y'all be surprised if one of Lebrons ancestors escaped from slavery?

   Mr, T is opening a vegetarian restaurant. It's called "I pity the tofu".

   Back in the day 8 bullets couldn't kill a brotha ... Now it takes 16... #thanks50cents

   I was raised Catholic, so yeah I'm familiar with being molested

   " Women are like belts; If it's not tight enough, move it to another hole. "From a hygiene illiterate!

   I was gonna vote. But the I got high.

   Anyone who believes that Trumpers think Donald Trump created the vaccine but won't take it because it's poisonous obviously has the greatly diminished mental capacity of Dementia Joe

   to read directions to cook ramen noodles.

   feeling a little under the weather...I wonder if there is anything on TV tomorrow if I have to miss work

   I guess it's time to find someone to grow old and miserable with.

   If you want to see the real Hunger Games go to Ethiopia and put a steak at the end of an obstacle course.

   My god you'd think a ship sank about 100 years ago or something.

   Am I the only way that amuses myself completely by barking at my dogs thru the paper towel tube?

   The average life expectancy of a reindeer is 8-10 years. I think it's probably safe to quit singing about Rudolph.

   If it's true that opposites attract, I should be looking for someone that's fat, ugly and stupid.