Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm texting random phone numbers with "I just saw your Facebook Status. LOL"!

   Going to try to make meat loaf this week. Shape Meat into ball or loaf, place into pan, Cover with ketchup, turn on oven

   I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed

   Fox news: oops, "well after all they all do look a like."

   I started carrying around a gun after an attempted mugging a few years ago. Since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful.

   Call Bruce Willis..I see red people...

   Cam Newton is being investigated on animal cruelty charges because apparently video evidence shows him applying beatings to bulldogs, hogs, tigers, chickens, bears, wildcats & wolves. He's stated his intention to beat elephants, ducks & dawgs soon...

   the first 100 years of marriage are the hardest

   What did that nurse say? Brain damage? F**k I was born during an earthquake.

   Ever notice how you come across somebody once in a while you shouldn't have f****** with? That's me.

   Trying to be original sucks..! You just kinda sit there & look around thinking and pondering about what would be good..I say forget being original..Just be Yourself..!

   eating Pizza Rolls and is not wearing pants.

   in no mood for a smoke today!!

   really thinks that the best method for retaining a healthy, youthful look is probably still one of the oldest methods: bathing in the blood of virgins.

   Approverypriate...Sorry - that was very inappropriate

   Whats the hardest part about being a roller blader? Telling your parents your gay.

   Whenever a woman calls me "dude" I immediately assume she is a lesbian.

   it rude to ask someone to bleach their butthole before you toss their salad?

   These arrmy commercials always show video game stuff they don't show dudes tryna eat a pizza with no hands when they get back

   The splash back from my morning shi t is the only shower I'm taking