Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A blind person just told me the braille pattern on my left nipple actually says 'will die alone'

   Rihanna wants to take time off to have a baby. We all know who's "Hitting" it.....No pun intended

   My favorite color is Nutella.

   My brother's boss just died. It's terribly upsetting. It's terribly upsetting that my brother's always had all the luck.

   women stay in shape so they can be trophy wife milfs

   completely worn out after spending the whole weekend at a genital jamboree.

   there vodka in your pillow fort? Then no, I won't be attending

   right behind you. And you know who you are....

   It takes Canadian strippers 2 songs to get naked, because winter boots, parka, toque, scarf, mittens, long underwear, thermal undershirt....

   I really only realize what I'm missing by not having a relationship when I have to make my own sandwiches.

   My friend from Nakuru just called me & told me he's in hospital. Apparently he fell off a Yamaha. Why they ride keyboards there is beyond me.

   mom, dad. I like my women how I like my coffee "you dont like coffee son" dad i- "why dont you like coffee?" dad youre making this difficult

   quietly confident about his latest 'get rich quick' scheme

   Signs that you have no life: when you have nothing better to do than complain.

   We should get 600 rolls of toilet paper, and tp Trevor Hoffmans house...

   They call us the Febreze Brothers because we are so fresh!!

   People in jail cells shouldn't worry about having a facebook , because they're talking to walls as much as we are!

   is wondering on which day God created Justin Bieber... couldn't he have rested on that day too?

   every woman's pet and every man's regret.

   BP stands for Beyond Petroleum, well, not anymore, BP stands now for Big Problem!