Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   But, officer, that school zone pulled out right in front of me!!

   I've come up with a new chapstick that helps fat people lose weight. I call it "Superglue."

   If you're in a committed relationship and you have no intentions of marrying that person, you are wasting both or your time.

   "I was country, when country wasn't cool"....newflash...it still isn't.

   Thanks for all the heroin OBAMA

   * I hear that he has the fire department on standby at his speeches in case his pants catch fire.

   Bike Week: A bunch of lowlifes in need of a bath, riding around drunk, causing traffic jams, clogging up restaurants for no apparent reason other than to drive local residents up the wall with loud noise.

   My worst fear of getting older is chewing for no reason.

   So....what do you think of your military parade now?

   Good job Trump for finally denouncing the white nationalists. Now that wasn't hard, was it?

   As of today, Facebook staff will be allowed to eat your children and pets. To turn this option off, go to Settings > Privacy > Meals. Click the top button to not feed the employees of Facebook anything. Copy this to your status to warn your friends.

   I can think of 6 reasons why I should sleep with this guy and I can count those reasons on his stomach.

   Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

   still mad at my friend for stealing my Tom & Jerry Poster! Grow up!!"

   I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer. Then it hit me.

   so smart she makes smart people feel retarded.

   I am blessed to have two beautiful kids. Thank god my wife cheated on me!!

   I'm going to stand outside... So if anyone asks, tell them I'm outstanding

   Last night I got so drunk that I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you.... but I've never driven a bus before.

   Apple was considering making an iPod for kids but apparently, the name 'iTouch Kids' didn't sit too well