Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do people still leave voice mails?

   Whoa dude! You take me to levels even I didn't know existed.. Kudos to my favorite customer! Sincerely, Your Embarrassment.

   I always make sure to pee on myself in the bathtub just incase I get stung by a jellyfish

   Body builders have a weird way of thanking someone for buying them a birthday gift. I gave this guy a bra & now I'm at the emergency room.

   I need to print some my Facebook friends' status updates on toilet paper so I can wipe my a?s with them

   Inventing a new sex move called "El Dorito." It's where I drop a chip down my bra and go on a pretty hectic search for it while sobbing.

   Some are offended by my use of profanity. So them, I'd like to say F uck off!!

   If you are fighting and someone yells worldstar you better fight for your life

   I hate it when you've been waiting three days for your dealer to ring back and then all of a sudden it's only been three minutes.

   A real man is a woman's best friend. He'll never let her down. He'll comfort her after a bad day. He'll inspire her to do things she never thought she could.He'll enable her to express her deepest emotions.He'll enable her to be confident $

   I don't always listen to progressive rock. But when I do, so do the neighbors!

   Hey guys who hold on to their women as if they are to fly away if you let go....im judging you....

   If there's left overs... You can't cook.

   I can see it now, Kanye in the future with 3 kids calling them down for dinner ---> "Ayo North West?!! get yo lil brotha South East, and yo sis South West down her. Daddy's home is time for dinner ya heard!!"

   We have some people struggling with obesity problems, while others are struggling with poverty and starvation. Sh*t like this is why Jesus is not coming back during our lifetime until we get our act together.

   I am not saying I am Batman..but answer me this have you ever seen me and Batman together ?.....

   You Know You Are Too Drunk to Go Trick-or-treating:...When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over... When the door opens, you yell "Trick or...." and you can't remember the rest...

   There is an idiot trying to soil B EGO's good name.

   man who stands on toilet is high on pot!!

   Relationships are fine, if you're into sober sex.