Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women claim they want honest men but dare you not blame the obesity on the dress.

   Any one just watched the Boss metaphor the Prez just use? You cant ask your Boss for a raise, and when he doesnt give it to you....you shut down the PLant!...I tried that and got arrested right there at Mcdonalds!

   Wait! So you're saying there are women out there that like having the sex?

   Whitey Bulger is living proof that the American Dream is still alive!!

   No one thinks the screenshot of your text messages are as funny as you do. No one

   如果政府不看它的消费，我们将讲中国话 if the government does not watch its spending we will be speaking Chinese

   Behind a nagging woman.... there's a man who is not doing what he's supposed to!

   Ladies: be careful if you wear spaghetti straps. It distracts us guys because it makes us think about pasta. And we will do anything to get pasta.

   vergetarians, I ask this: when you see a spider on the kitchen floor, do you 1). step on it or 2). take it to the SPCA to be "saved"?

   who cares when the next full moon happens

   Today is the most confusing day in the hood... You are not the father!!!!! Maury

   "Dammit I'm Mad" is spelled the same way backwards..

   What you call "camping", I call "aggresive waiting".

   I was going to start a procrastination club, but I decided to wait!

   New Eddie Murphy and Arsenio Hall movie idea, Coming to America II, with Ebola

   My therapist told me...nothing you idiot vodka can't talk.

   Dude! Just watched that show ghost hunters and dude! I definitely need to figure out how I can get that time I wasted back

   what would be the reaction of Hollywood actor ice cube with the on going "ice bucket challenge"

   wants to be like one of those cool tv dads like Bill Cosby. So he is sending his wife to Law School and starting a Medical practice in his basement

   logged into your facebook account and starting fights with everyone on mafia wars...