Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am like a buffet, you take what you like and ignore what you dont like.

   Being an adult is basically a “choose your own adventure” book, but every choice sounds terrible.

   Shout out to the top 5 kinds of boats, row, tug, sail, life and Ricky the Dragon Steam

   If you say "bae" three times while looking in a mirror you get moved to the front of the line at Starbucks.

   [first date] her: so, tell me about yourself! me: well, I'm not good with dates her: but you're doing fine! me: christmas is on september 3rd

   "Sharks are like dogs, they only bite when you touch their private parts"-Shark Week lesson of the day

   Just in one of those “Curl up and watch 25 episodes of ‘Small Wonder’ ” kinda moods.

   You don't come for me. I send for you.

   It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

   As uncomfortable as silence immediately after sex.

   Whoever blew bubbles as a kid , he is back in town looking for you!

   Let's all be fair, I hope all Americans get to see Sarah Palin's High School diploma.

   A committee is NOT established to determine what is causing global cooling. Billions of taxpayer dollars are saved.

   I had a dream last night that I was taking selfies with Hillary Clinton... and then I started shooting an AK47 in my kitchen at absolutely nothing. Never eat burritos before bed.

   Leonardo.....Fk yaaaa....atlast.......congratzz

   Oscars so white, no fried chicken on the menu.

   Kim Kardashian twieeted a nude selfie yesterday. If Kim wants us to see a part of her we've never seen, she's gonna have to swallow the camera.

   My coworker likes Trump because "he always speaks his mind." Wonder how much my coworker would like me if I always spoke my mind.

   Have yet to find one person who has actually been entertained by Cedric , but I am white....

   I believe in angels, the kind that heaven sends. I'm surrounded by angels, I call them my friends. . .