Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In high school I was voted most likely to travel back I'm time. By the class of 2025.

   The only reason why I wouldn't care if I ever actually laughed my ass off is that I rarely give a sh*t.

   Wow, there you are all hot and everything; then you post a pic of you with your kids...1 and 3 years old. Negate!

   Lost a friend. Apparently when asked what I would do if I was him, you don't respond "Go home and have sex with my hot sexy wife" isn't good when he is already upset with you

   When I was growing up, my parents always told me "If you don't have something interesting to post on Facebook, don't post anything at all." Or, something like that....

   Getting a BJ is overwhelming. I mean, going to BJs is overwhelming.

   Wow Justin Bieber still well and alive... Only in US and God Bless America! In most of countries, guys like him don't get to make it to sweet 16...

   I woke up this morning and tried to look at the bright side, but it is too bright, I need my sunglasses.

   Dont you hate when a really fat guy wears a tight sweater and you can see the huge outline of his belly button. The diameter is large enough to fit a can of Pringles snugly in place.

   enrolled in nursery school..there were no naps, no crayons and no recess, just trees and plants..what a rip off

   I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

   I can only get sexually aroused if Ben Affleck is playing with animal crackers on my stomach.

   I Escaped from the island of Misfit people..

   put a fork in them I believe duke is done. GO BUCKS!

   Once upon a time a guy asked a beautiful girl "Will you marry me?" and the girl said "No", and the guy never heard nagging, he drank milk from the carton, kept his apartment AND his favorite pa

   One could make a reasonable argument that the tot is the best part of the tater.

   I can see you need a bikini wax from here.

   You can look at some people and instantly know they're only going to get two awards in life, a birth and a death certificate.

   You know, phones have come a long way since the smoke signal.....

   .4 music videos, 3 photo tags, 2 pokin' friends & a girlfriend who won't stop creeping meeee.