Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water? 
Just watching the news who said "The coronavirus is affecting the most dense populated aria's" but think they meant to say "densely" but maybe not.
If someone has "some colledge" listed on their education history, the fact that they misspelled "college" is a pretty good indication that "some 3rd grade" is probably a more accurate assessment.
National Running Day was a success. Ran to the fridge then back to the couch. Whew! I'm exhausted.
Somewhere over the rainbow photoshop lies.
Alcohol? Yes. Feelings? No.
If by big game hunter you mean "someone trying to find single game tickets to his favorite football team" then yes, I'm a big game hunter...
Last year I asked santa for the sexiest person ever and I woke up in a box
No skirt girl just left. She asked if she could wear my shirt home since it was longer than her dress. One less shirt to pack.
OK...WHO PUT TURBOLAX IN MY COFFEE ? I had Other crap to do today !
My middle finger wants to talk to you.
Ladies of the east coast.... you wanted 8+ inches, here you go.
I'm not always sarcastic. Sometimes I am just drunk.
WIFE: Are you even listening to me?... ME: Of course... WIFE: Oh yeah, what did I say?... ME: [smoke bomb]... WIFE: I can still see you... ME: [Another smoke bomb]
[dog wedding]... [Bride throws bouquet into crowd]... [Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]... [Bride throws bouquet again]... [Groom catches.............. *etc...
it too late for the Dowager Countess of Grantham to run for President??
Sex is the only activity where hiring a professional is considered wrong and is often illegal.
My wife just complimented me on my new Alligator shoes, but the only problem with that is that I wasn't wearing any shoes.
Money can buy the f*ck out of happiness. Anyone who tells you otherwise has small genitals because people with small genitals say weird stuff.
It's time to do what I do best... *cracks a beer* 