Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy

   I think I'm all done reading Facebook. Any recommendations what to read next?

   ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat. NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like? ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.

   Had a bad mix-up at Walmart today.... When the cashier said strip down facing me, apparently she was referring to my credit card!

   dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking? me: I don't know why dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that's why

   Question of the day: If you could stop this virus and save everyone or have Bill Gates money, what color would your Lamborghini be?

   My friend comes up to me and says "Hey I smell weed!" I said "Why aren't you 6 feet away?"

   $50 bucks for a 3lb Honey Baked Ham. It sure better come with Honey, and her sister.

   “No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk. So y

   A gross miscalculation is 144 times worse than a regular miscalculation.

   Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?

   Just watching the news who said "The coronavirus is affecting the most dense populated aria's" but think they meant to say "densely" but maybe not.

   If someone has "some colledge" listed on their education history, the fact that they misspelled "college" is a pretty good indication that "some 3rd grade" is probably a more accurate assessment.

   If you love a socialite set them free, if they come back to you be careful as they might have been Coronavirus.

   Let's practice for the future: I'll trade you 2 rolls of toilet paper for a cup of sugar, a cup of flour and we switch places in this ridiculously long line.

   if life was real, how come you’ve never seen your neighbours bring in their groceries??

   This $600 causing problems already. My cousin drove by here real slow. And I only owe him $8...tf

   [first day as a bartender] *garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*

   For an 84 year old Chuck Grassley sure can exit a room quickly.

   I just wonder when they are going to post the videos of the new teen challenge "blow off your left leg challenge" or the new "decapitate yourself challenge"