Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Caroline Sunshine went from one mickey mouse organiation to another one.

   It's that time of the year when stores play that rapey "Baby It's Cold Outside" song

   Me: I wish for my dog to live as long as me! Genie: Your wish is granted. You will now die in ten years. Me: Awesome! Way better than what I originally meant.

   Can't believe Gronk didn't wait until 6/9 to retire!

   Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy

   I think I'm all done reading Facebook. Any recommendations what to read next?

   Plans for St. Patrick's Day next year involve putting green dye into some corona's, sitting in my room alone, and watching Supernatural.

   I was just informed that The Purge: Independence Day is just a movie. Does anyone know a good defense attorney?

   The FIRST Rule of Marriage Club is .... She's ALWAYS Right.

   Any of you folks finding that a litter box is just more convenient than a toilet?

   Can we stop calling it medical marijuana and go back to just calling it marijuana yet?

   I was ending my email with 'regards' and didn't realize I hit the 'T' button instead of the 'G'

   Instead of Olympic Gold, Silver or Bronze medals, winners receive copies of a Purple Heart made in China. Losers are fired.

   Breaking news!!!! US Airforce seen dropping naked Trump statues onto an ISIS Stronghold In Northern Syria!!!!!

   Heyyyy Chill out. Were NOT building a wall... Just kidding D-Bagz , of course we are.

   Which one of the Ten Commandments says: Thou Shalt Not Eat Meat On Friday?

   BREAKING: Jimmy Hoffa found buried with Corey Feldman's career. Location: Unknown.

   Wikileaks just released El Chapo's Email too

   If a zoologist studies animals what do you call someone who studies zoos? ZOOLOGIST: if you come down off the giraffe I'll answer your questions

   For sale solar glasses only used once. Paid $ 1.25 I would like to get $1.00 for them.