Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you ever google Gary Oldman... don't forget the R... worst experience in my life!

   This post is so good you will read it twice, this post is so good you just read it twice.

   Roses are red, Violets are blue. I have a gun. Get in the van.

   Have you ever farted and it smelled so bad you had to leave the room?

   I see your OJ Simpson and raise you George Zimmerman.

   wonders if cows laugh really hard will milk come out its nose?

   ok, a little English pronunciation lesson, mostly because it drives me crazy... Coupon: [koo-pon].... straight from the dictionary... IT IS NOT QUE-pon!!!

   It is so frigging hot I just saw a squirrel soaking his nuts in gatorade .

   Officer says "Gee, Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?

   Ever have one of those days where you want to punch someone so hard in the mouth that they will have to stick a toothbrush up their a$$ to brush their teeth?

   Every Indian right now is a cricket analyst !

   never shuts the bathroom door. If someone walks in, I say: FINALLY!! Get in here, shut the door, and sit on my lap!! Works every time.

   imagine if you got all the way home from the grocery store and realized you left sumpthing in the cart? then you gotta go ALL the way back to get yur kid? ugg that really bite

   People point at their wrist asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

   Your display of ignorance is astounding. There are three separate and equal branches of government. Israel's PM, who is ten times the man odumma can ever hope to be, does not need permission from the Executive Branch to speak to the Legislative Branch.

   Socialism bad, unless I need it. Love Trump supporters.

   I'm going to buy Greenland and Mexico will pay for it!!!

   Dems win the supreme court's seat in Wisconsin.

   Happy Indigenous Peoples' Day everyone! If that offends you then too bad for you.

   thinks if ballrina's were jusy a little taller, they wouln't have to dance on their tippy toe's as much!