Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have this roomie who must go thru half a roll of toilet paper every time she uses the bathroom. I'm going broke. Some people are so @nal when it comes to wiping their a$$.

   Dictators dress to oppress.

   We live in a world where you spell world as would

   I should be ashamed of myself but I'm not ! Ok !

   I wonder if Ronald McDonald sadistically cackles as he bludgeons innocent chickens and uses clown magic to turn them into nuggets.

   Awkwardly flushing the toilet when everyone else is sleeping

   i whistle alot jus because it makes my lips look like a bunghole

   She was using them for years before she found out they were lint rollers and not for waxing your taint.

   parents are hypocritical.....your not supposed to take candy or food from strangers but what do they let you do every Halloween? not supposed to talk to strangers but every christmas they sit you on santa's lap so you can talk to him.

   Wonders who first decided that female genitalia resembled a beaver? Was there a flat flapping tail? Teeth?

   We should have a "Homeless" Day....celebrated with sales of anything in a large cardboard box and maddog

   It feels like it's raining way harder when you're driving than when you step out of the car?

   I'll drink responsibly when there is a brand of vodka named Responsibly.

   I need a new, non-fatal to flamingos way to deal with stress.

   Work fascinates me...I could sit and watch someone do it for hours!!!

   Good to have a blind friend,,if you fart just plug your nose and point and nod.

   i like to scare girls a bit by telling them"We are going to meet my parents" on the first date.

   I wanted to spice it up a little for Halloween this year...so I blacked out all the 'contains nuts' labels on the snickers bars. Trick or treat?

   Just found a $5 bill in some old pants from middle school...Do you know how many rectangle pizzas with the cube pepperoni I could have bought with that?? Or better yet some mutha-f^ckin Chicken Rings...

   Walking around the kitchen, like Pac-Man when you're hungry.