Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Go ahead....make my day!

   Congratulations, since the Zombie Apocolypse occured you no longer have anyone human to bully you about being brainless...

   I'm more obsessed with breast and thighs then Colonel Sanders...

   If you dug a hole through the center of the earth and jumped in, would you stay at the center because of gravity?"

   Please stop looking so attractive. I m trying to stop liking you.

   I just saw Tom from MySpace on Google +... You know the site sux when the sites creator hauls a$$!

   Nothing says I blow as a superhero like the Bionic Man's slow motion running. Except maybe for using David Carridine style kung fu.

   The one time I tried yoga, I twisted my asscheeks. Several ladies remain cross-eyed to this day.

   Whenever I'm driving and I see a baby stroller in someones trash I always think. Oh boy... someone f***ed up.

   Money can't buy happiness, but it can help you look for it quicker, in a convertible.

   I can't tell if its the acid I dropped or the green beer I've been drinking since 12:30 a.m., but there are Leprechauns everywhere!! HAPPY PAT'S DAY LASSIES!!!

   Would it be inappropriate to go to the bars tonight wearing only a Green Lantern costume, with a 4 leaf clover on my finger as my ring and carry a Heineken mini-keg as my lantern?

   They never should have made the game life. I was under the misconception that it was as easy as rolling dice, getting awarded a job, and stacking pegs on top of your car.

   I just ate the chocolate off of 6 peanut butter eggs and now I have a pile of peanut butter... Yeah boyee!!!!!!!!

   Bowling is like doing meth, every time I spin I always end up in the gutter.

   forgetting about the price tag.... and hoping my dad does the same whenever he gets my credit card statement!!

   Actually my ex was a good cook, I have the waist to prove it, nothing else.

   When it rains in LA it's the tears of all the unemployed party clowns.

   Can you imagine Augustus-flavored chocolate-coated Gloop? Ew. No one would buy it

   If I ome to your house, I'd appreciate it if you tell me which furniture you've had sex on before I sit down. Thanks. y