Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "No, honey, I don't talk about you on Facebook." *enables passcode lock on phone*

   Every computer is a laptop if you're not a little b*tch about it.

   If you are offended by the opinions I express then you can only imagine the ones I keep to myself.

   If I bite the bottom of my lip, it's not because I want you. It's because I have a piece of skin hanging off it that I'm trying to get off.

   My girlfriend's bra is even harder to take off when she's yelling at me and I'm wearing it.

   I forgot to put on my bike shorts before riding today. That really chaps my a$$!!

   Somewhere out there a woman just called the football a “weird ball thingy” as a man sits nearby contemplating the consequences of murder.

   Hey girls, quit leaving random bullsh*t at his house, like an old toothbrush or one sock. Leave your kids. HE'LL CALL. He'll call all day.

   You're aying, "There’s a monkey that’s an astronaut but you’re just some guy writing jokes for strangers on the Internet." َ A loyal stranger is better than a greedy and two faced friend.

   Gas so high in Brockton that it hasn't been a drive-by in 2 months.”

   I sat in my stand for hours with not one deer coming by. Then in a matter of minutes, I bag 4 big bucks! Thanks to the Deer Hunter Game, my morning wasn't a total loss.

   There is no difference between a camel and a moose...unless you're looking at their toes and their knuckles.

   Nothing for the spank bank at the gym today. Did have a few eat less motivators, though.

   Can your tongue come out to play with my tongue?

   If you can't be a nice person then at least be really good looking.

   my mature level IS , I still giggle when singing about nuts in christmas carols

   If my glass is half full then I start wondering where my bartender is.

   Breaking News :: the groundhog says 1 more week of WINTER

   I call that ass "Snooze Alarm" so you understand why I'm hitting it so much.

   I prefer to be on whichever side of the bed the sex is going to be on.