Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met

   If you think you're having a bad day, just remember, someone is gonna have Snooki as their mom.

   I liked Meatloaf before he got all soft on us and changed his name to Adele.

   BREAKING: NINTH CIRCUIT COURT OF APPEALS OVERTURNS TRUMP'S TURKEY PARDONS.

   Want to know why Americans are better than the rest of the world? We are Americans.

   You know who really hates Nine Inch Nails? Jesus.

   My romantic poem to the wife...."Roses are red and violets are blue. Lay on the bed and I will eat you!

   What is black and hangs from trees in my garden? Blackberries

   I get it, American football was made after Americans realised they sucked at rugby.

   While un-locking the door I dropped my keys this, and in one motion with lightning quick reflexes I caught them and punched myself in the balls.

   A lion wouldn't cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood.

   If we're all "God's Children"....why is Jesus so special?

   Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.

   What should a woman do when she gets out of the battered women's shelter? The dishes if she knows what's good for her.

   New song. Smoke on the water, Fire in Canada

   Vegas taking bets on Texas and Mississippi having an even worse 3rd wave? I'm itching to put money down on that.

   Forget graduating from college, just pose nude, marry rich and you too can be The First Lady!

   I like to hold my wifes head under the covers and loudly exclaim"Release The Kraken".....then loudly fart

   Don't worry white folks; the rhythm is never going to get you. You're safe.

   If god gived us free will, why does everything, I mean everything we do a sin? He should have just made robots.