Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's Be THE Best. There you go, I fixed it for you. You're welcome!

   Bought a stick deodarant. Instruction say "remove cap and push up bottom"....... I have trouble walking, but when I fart, the room does smells nice.

   A man injured his hand at work. The doctor said sorry but we need to amputate one of your fingers. Man ask the hole finger? Doctor said no, the one next to it.

   Soooo, I went to Home Depot to pick up a power washer and BBQ grill. With everyone wearing face masks 😷I brought home the wrong wife. After shes done with the deck I'm taking her back! 🤣 🤣 🤣

   If you don't think this quarantine has changed people, I just want to point out that Jake from State Farm is no longer white

   I never realized how many people I know that cared about Britney Spears's sister...

   Its 103 outside an I'm inside watchin tv under my snuggie.. Thanx A/C!

   Better to go in one ear and out the other than in one ear and out the mouth.

   David Guetta, "all the crazy sh** I did tonight those will be the best memories". So, will they?!

   They began filming the new Batman movie here in Pittsburgh. This is going to be great!! In this one, he gets caught by the bad guys and the Gotham Police…Damn road construction!!

   no matter how odd the chances are for a villain in a fight, they always show up

   MLB looking into Illegal poker games at Oscar Madison's apartment. Felix Unger has no comment.

   March 14th the males alternative to Valentines Day... Look it up ladies Saltgrass is sounding good!!!!

   What's on my mind? *insert sarcastic third party rant here*

   it too late convert Charlie Sheen into a Redsox's fan so they can start winning?

   I keep hearing this week is the big 17th anniversary of Kurt Cobain's death. I'm just wondering why we are suddenly celebrating 17th anniversary's like they are significant somehow. Otherwise, shouldn't he wait until 20th or 25th like other dead people?

   I think TN's temperature has finally reached Lava°F ...ugh! It's like breathing soup!

   I bought a latte yet me pushing 5 of these little round tables together to make a daybed seems to be a big fugging problem at this Starbucks.

   cont'd: I do not like your top news trends, instead of recent news from friends. It was just fine, but now it's pus, don't make us jump to Google Plus!

   dont laugh at ur friends if they start sounding like chicken little this next week..."the sky is falling"