Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At page 120 of 500 page into fifty shades of gray the wife is asking question of things in the book. Crazy part is she didn't even ask how I knew.

   The female bottom is a wonderful sight to behold, and by behold I mean it's the most magnificent of grabable things.

   I met a girl the other day who said she likes to take charge in the bedroom. So I electroshocked her.

   I do what I want, when I want, where I want! If my mum says it's ok.

   You know you're a Lo$er if your mom wants you to help set-up things for your twins Surprise Birthday Party!!!

   When the teacher says you'll be working with partners then adds ''But I'll be assigning them!''

   Just got bit by a spider, hoping it was radioactive instead of poisonous.

   Ive been eating eggs thinking they came from a egg plant. I'm going to be sick, now that I know where they really come from.

   Since I'm sleeping on the couch, Switced my wife's alka seltzer water with red bull and 2 laxative pills, Since I'm sleeping on the couch !!!

   This rapper Pitbull says he was built for the war but I don't think he means active service, he's a soldier like Beyonce.

   Insomnia was a much more lonelier and sadder place before FB. Now I just can't wait to sleep 2 hours and have a miserable day.

   I’m starting to think I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death in my own home.

   Sharknado enough said!

   What is this world coming too when people are more afraid of mosquito's than HIV?

   Chris brown had a stroke..... - Rihanna

   Never touch a guys computer, unless you're on birth control.

   If you have to fight someone’s love then you’ve already lost that battle.

   How much for this stat us? Sir, it was on here yesterday. I must have it!

   My dentist said I can't play Candy crush cause I have cavities.

   I'm thinking the Who should change their name to the Two. Just sayin!