Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   “One, 360, one” - Someone at Microsoft counting to 3

   Some of you people could use water mixed with a little whiskey and some electricals.. Just sayin

   Her: I don't see you feeling what I say, that leaves a bad taste cuz I smell your bs. Hear me? Me: You just used all 5 senses in 1 sentence.

   I've nicknamed my mate 'Blister' - he seems to only show up once the work has been done!

   Hate , when I hear a good song ,now this songs comes on while we hang out,now I am stuck thinking about you ...you ruined a good song

   Easiest way to get someones attention......look at them lean over to someone else and start whispering

   THE 2 drivers in Beijing that ran the lady over that nobody helped have been caught <<< just 2 prove 2 Wongs don't make A right..!!

   Damnnn, We about to get it cracking, like fat people on thin ice

   McDonalds and Roaches will be here forever

   Don't be a dead hero, if it ain't got sh!t to do with you keep moving.

   doubling his calorie intake to gain weight, and all this is doing is making me drop quatros instead of dueces.

   student loans are just like Justin Bieber, they will not go away,no matter how much you wish they would.

   There are some 35–45 year old men who think Cyber Monday means something else...

   When animal over reproduce and overpopulate their environment, we step in and cull them, supposedly for their own good. But when human beings over reproduce and overpopulate their environment, we look around for another planet to colonise.

   My Holiday Lights Tour starts in 10 mins. Free booze and spraypaint. No cops! Seriously, if you're a cop you have to say so.

   i have just woke up with 3 broken ribs, 2 black eyes,concussion,apparently when the wife asks whats on TV tonight, 6 inches of dust is not the right answer !!!!!!!

   It's shame Kim Jong I'll never got to start his rap career, in which his stage name would have been 'K.Jong Da Illest'

   Sometimes you have to hurt someone's feelings just to let them understand how it felt when they hurt yours.

   I found a sealed turkey sandwich, ranch dressing and gatorade in my car. Santa must of mixed my car up with my stocking.

   You can get away with a lot more in a song than you can get away with on a mic in front of the House of Representatives.