Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's colder outside than two ex-wives.

   You say its none of your business how someone chose to live their life hey? So its cool with you if I just decide to walk around without pants in public?

   there is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot

   I wonder if 3D printers print cookies? Because if they can't then they are useless...

   France is successful at participating at soccer. That should say something, especially to the British.

   I hate it when people ask me what I will be doing in 5 years. Come on guys, I don't have 2020 vision.

   The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on,,,, *that's just science

   Follow your dream. Unless... it's a person. They'd call it stalking.

   Crazy is like diarrhea. You can only hold it in for so long.

   Consumerism has a religious day called Black Friday.

   ....... Well ... now that Thanksgiving is over ... I'm fed up ...

   How would you know an albino polar bear if you saw one? (And don't say its eyes would be red. You wouldn't be able to get that close).

   I heard on the radio a statistic that said that one out of three women in miami is pretty. I looked to the right...wow...I looked to the left...wow...I hit the car in front of me and a woman came out...wow.. Who the hell is collecting data?

   Its so cold outside that by the time I walked back to the car, the footlong I got at Subway shrunk to a 6 inch..

   It is so cold outside that by the time I walked back to the car, the footlong I got at Subway shrunk to a 6 inch.

   I tried cumming in the air tonight, and all I did was make a huge mess, F**k you Phil Colins !

   Science: Ruining everything since 1543.

   I'm more comfortable with animals than humans. Animals understand love clearly. Love a human and they misconstrue it a thousand ways.

   This morning when I put my underwear on the fruit of the looms guys were laughing at me.

   walk into a crowded room release a silent fart ten immediately say "Do you smell Popcorn?"........sit back and watch the laughs