Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman. If your man needs pills to get it up, maybe you are not as sexy as you assumed.

   I want those of you living on the West Coast to be extra careful today and make sure to put on your arm floaties before leaving the house. You know how I worry.

   look down, back up, where are you. You're on a boat with the man your man could smell like. What's in your hand, back at me, I have it, it's an oyster with two tickets to that thing you love, look again, the tickets are now diamonds

   JESUS SAVES... He Passes It To Gretzky... Gretzky Shoots... He Scores!

   gonna update this status, but I got high. I was gonna let you in on my life, but I got high. Now I'm behind the times, and I know why... hey eh, cuz I got high, cuz I got high, cuz I got high!

   I wish I was British so I could say cool stuff like "brilliant" and "crikey" and "I don't have worry about Trump leading my country"

   DONALD TRUMP CIRCUS - When you're waiting for a joke to be over but its taking forever, thanks to some idiots perpetuating it.

   Kelli Clarkson is getting married. I guess she can get extra fat now...

   better being black than gay, cos you dont have to tell your parents.

   God: An invisible friend for adults

   A guy came up to me at the gym and asked me what event I was training so hard for.Told him "Obama care".

   I am cornhoolio, I make peepee from my bunghole

   Tenative Thanksgiving Menu: A little bit of small pox as an appetizer, some Mass Genocide as the main course, and finish it off with some forced relocation for dessert.

   "out of ideas, like this message. "

   Bath Salt party at my place tonight, parents are out of town!

   Myyy milkshake brings all the boys to the yard & they're like ew what is this semen & I'm like no refunds

   I never called you crazy... I said you look like you might own 400 cats, but I never actually said "crazy."

   now that the FB font is smaller, less of my friends will notice my witty status updates and posts.

   Sometimes finding my car keys is harder than finding a proper sport or a slim person in America

   heard that Thailand has the highest rate of prostitution in the world, but again what dyu expect from a country whose name is "THAI-land", with a capital city named "BANG-KOK" and a tourist destination called "PHUK-ET"!!!