Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wonders if Conan O'Brien feels like the red headed step child of NBC? .....oh wait, he does have red hair!

   wondering; why do people on facebook, when they find a -public- photo album to someone they dont know, feel like they've won a million ???

   ...wanted to buy some goose feathers but couldn't afford the down payment..

   thinks, sex is like any other performance, i.e a stage performance. So as that you dont blow it early on in the show, you must have a rehersal before HAND so as not to leave your audience (partner) disapointed.

   the Super Bowl is on February 7, The pre game started on February 3.

   needs 5 steel beams for his horse glue factory

   I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.

   Screaming at Kaepernick to stand up during the national anthem seems slightly more disrespectful.

   The first rule of rich, powerful, white guy club is we didn't do anything wrong because we are rich, white and powerful.

   Steve Bannon removed from National Security Council due to a scheduling conflict involving drinking.

   Can I lick the beater? Is what I ask when my wife is giving me a hand job.

   I would give a billon dollars to hear the audio of Donald Trump & Kim Kardashian attempting to have a policy discussion about prison reform.

   Everytime I see KellyAnn Conway's face, I always vomit!

   Saw a baby wearing a bib which read "This dumb ass put my cape on backwards"

   Donald Trump is Making America great again, one riot at a time

   Jesus was born in october. Just saying...

   Somebody just texted me saying..what does IDK mean? And I replied I don't know, she said OMG nobody knows!!

   Facebook employee got fired....Why? He was on Facebook every day at work.

   The neighbor's kids are named Titus and Judah. Either the couple is Greek, or they smoke ALOT of dope.

   Don't forget to tutn your clocks forward to eliminate one hour of the Trump presidency.