Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Scientifically proven not to induce insanity in chimpanzees

   out clubbing last night, beat my record of 24 seals!

   I am not fat....Love for food has made me a nutritional overachiever.

   Don’t trust people who avoid the sun. They’re shady.

   Got a problem? iI got a problem solver……and his name is revolver.

   wondering why that frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

   fortified with 8 vitamins and minerals

   FUBAR

   My cat died. But I know he'll forever live on in passwords.

   I can say everything I will ever need to say to you with one finger.

   Its weird how Wall street was up and running like nothing happened, ....Oh my bad, I forgot....TeamRich&Wealthy with 2 or 3 homes flew or boated in to work.

   I'm the type of guy who would block fire exits. Because sometimes Natural selection needs to be nudged along.

   You know you have given up on life when you decide to get married.

   No, Microsoft, I'm not sending an error report because snitches get glitches

   When Australians count sheep it's similar to normal people counting how many people you've had sex with.

   I wonder if Chinese tourists get upset when they buy a souvenir from America and find out it was made in China.

   (D)umb (R)etards (A)sking for (M)ore (A)ttention

   Guys before you start thinking lesser of yourselves and thinking women are to be worshiped remember that without your rib she wouldn't exist.

   Relax! It's a midget, not a child - Me, showing my favourite home made p0rno to my new girlfriend.

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