Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *coming soon* "Toy Story 3"....Buzz and Woody meet some of Andy's mom's toys, that incidentally have the same names.

   Gotta love Facebook... I haven't had this much fun writing on walls since I was 6.

   Why don't guys like to preform oral sex on a woman the morning after sex? Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

   Black Friday: Because only in America, people trample each other for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have.

   "But millions of people are going to end up losing their health insurance!" -What the critics said when Obamacare was being developed.

   Disrespectful parents letting their kids run around screaming. Can't I just have a nice quiet meal at Chuck E Cheese?

   Maybe if we tell some people that their brain is an app they'll start using it.

   What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?? The Hoover's got a dirtbag on the inside...

   Dick Clark died?? Man I really dropped the ball on that one!!.....too soon?

   If I don't wear my tinfoil helmet, Jesus will tell me to eat all the donuts.

   Becoming a Doctor and changing my last name to Acula

   They're relea$ing two $eparate film$ ba$ed on the 3rd book in the'Hunger Game$' trilogy. I'm $hocked. Totally $urpri$ing.

   Christmas sure does smell a lot like weed.

   FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren't for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong.

   My favorite part about the Patriots cheating is it means they didn't have confidence in Brady's skill.

   Some guy just asked me for the time like it's freakin 1993. "Hold tight good fellow, allow me to fetch my timepiece from my pantaloons."

   Exactly how is that Tennessee Hardware shop owner going to make that "NO G AYS ALLOWED!" sign work anyway? I mean how can he tell? Is there like a litmus test or some kind of g ay Deliverance hillbilly honor system we all don't know about?

   Not only is there no god, but try getting a plumber on weekends. — Woody Allen

   punctuation is important. Take; Jesus, people are crazy or Jesus people are crazy. OK, that's a bad example but you know what I mean...

   Fish have been fed, crops have been harvested, wars have been won, dice have been rolled so off to bed I go. See all you other addicts tomorrow. Good Night!