Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you go to sleep with a itching ass you will wake up with a stinking finger ...

   ♪ ♫ Rolling In The Deep ♫ ♪ ~ Me in my basement rolling a joint.

   ''You ask!'' ''No, you ask!'' ''Pls just ask?'' ''why cant you do it?'' ''Fine.. excuse me, can we have some ketchup?''

   Storms can be scary to kids, so I tell my son that thunder is God beating Jesus because he "forgot" to put his toys away.

   A good example of mixed emotions would be finding a hundred dollar bill nailed to your tire.

   Me: I'm not getting the Covid vaccine because I don't know what is in it. Also me: Ooooooo..... The McRib is back!

   Norwey is one of the richest countries per Capita in the World! Why would they want to come to your s**thole country, USA?

   having my phone number is like having a direct line to God, But better, because I answer.. .

   Men are from Mars,, Women are from Venus,, Then gays are definely from ???

   Barbie has an awful lot of nice things for a girl whose knees do not bend.

   Jesus said in the Bible that it was much easier for children to get into heaven than adults. What priests want in heaven, they get in heaven.

   The US president should have lead the country today in a moment of PRAYER; then out of respect for the 6 people who lost their lives and the 19 people wounded, the non-believers could have exercised their right to SILENCE.

   browsing my facebook friends naked.

   I went to the docs the other day. He told me to stop eating so many eggs. I said " Why? Is my cholestorol that high?" . He said "No but your farts are absolutely f *cking rank!!"

   It's ok to crack your knuckles, just don't knuckle your crack

   Dr. just told me I have cancer and alzhiemers....atleast I dont have cancer

   Forgive me father, for I have sinned. It's been two weeks since my last confession. Smell my finger.

   No sport in this lifetime has ever brought the world together as football... You know, the real kind, not the overcommercialized self nominated world championship superbowl.... FUTBOL!!

   justin bieber said he was having a baby. Usher was like OMG. Katy Perry set off fireworks. Bruno Mars thoght they were grenades. Eminem was like I'm not afraid. Jason Derulo said Whatcha Say? Then Nelly said it was only just a dream.

   Panty lines are so nasty, your a grown a$s woman sh!t put on a thong, g-string, boy shorts, or go panty less if you have too