Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   NY and California have he highest number of inbred marriages and incest. So I would say ALOT.

   Shouldn't liars get their stories straight? Kelly Anne said it's the microwave, Donald said it was the phones and Sean said JUST KIDDING. OMG---it's the three stooges!!

   I was enjoying watching a monkey at the zoo flinging his poop at all the spectators until I realized I was at home and watching the daily White House presser.

   The President woke up this morning and said "I don't think we have been corrupt enough yet. There must be more lies we can tell. Get Devin on the phone."

   Dear McDonalds cashier, dont give me that look. There’s no age limit on a happy meal. And don’t forget the toy!

   You like flowers, we DON'T! We are happy to buy it for you. Don't make us like flowers.

   Repeating jokes to different crowds is part of part of the fun, sometimes it is beneficial to change them up slightly each time, making them stronger, funnier jokes. So find something better to do with your time. Or just keep being a D!<k.

   "Racism makes as much sense as saying I don't want that gift because of the color of the wrapping paper" and it was ugly and they clung and they were stalker.

   Just layed on my horn for 39 seconds at the slow driver in front of me before realizing he was the last car of a funeral procession.

   The O.J. Simpson chase: The slowest whyte Bronco since John Elway.

   A hint to the wise, a rod to the invader.

   If Dr. Ben Carson wrote down every single thought he ever had he would get an award for the shortest story ever.

   Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies is the main reason why I have trust issues

   Mammogram sounds like a pet name for a great-grandmother

   If 90's R&B comes on in the bedroom, we making a baby. I don't care.

   Report out of Nashville: Dolly Parton in traffic accident. Her dual "airbags" obviously saved her life. 😊

   GIRL: “Have you ever done anything sexual before?” GUY: “Well, one time I came out of a v@gina naked”

   Don't worry, guys, Tebow is being traded for our sins.

   Jesus may have walked on water, but Stephen Hawking runs on batteries.

   During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel