Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lower my gluten intake the doctor said. Over my bread body!

   Employee: We have to stop testing our products on animals. Boss: Why? Shampoo companies do it all the time. Employee: Yeah, but we make hammers.

   I walked in my girlfriend cheating on me with a 6 '8 280 lb Linebacker all I said was " Yo Sis, Dinner is ready"

   Just remember: We are best friend. If you fall, I will always be there to help you back up. As soon as I finish laughing my ass off.

   OJ Simpson will be using Tinder when he gets out of prison. He will have to decide if he wants to slash left, or slash right

   Great Britain just opting for free agency trying to get some of that sweet NBA rising salary cap money.

   Britain be like "April Fools, hahaha..."

   Crooked Melania: So which is better, admitting she lied about writing the speech, or admitting she plagiarized?

   Obama: "Don't boo... vote." Ghost: "I didn't really think that was an option for me but you've given me hope I have no arms or body but maybe."

   When I die I want my ashes scattered over a Starbucks WiFi router.

   To the Mayor of North Carolina: Corey Feldman could clear the streets with one song.

   The flight attendant said put on my mask first before helping others. No problem. The guy next to me is shoeless so I want him dead.

   The somke detector is not a timer...

   when 1 of my lenses fall out, I like to think of the glasses as half full

   Sex is like a bowling ball, if your not using all three fingers, you're just cheating your game.

   It's not that I can't stand people who attend the University of Florida, it's that I can't stand the red-necks who love the Gators.

   Freddie Mercury has replaced Elvis as the go to star for Boomer ladies.

   co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave me: oh sorry does my lobster smell co-worker: no he’s pinching people

   Do you guys blow on your food when it’s hot, or do you hashafashasha til you can chew it?

   Monday is Memorial Day. I plan on showing my grandsons how to eat corn on the cob typewriter style. The hard part is going to be explaining a typewriter. 🌽