Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Made it to that level of dad where I just called dibs on the TV that I bought in the house that I own with the cable I pay for.

   Animal Kingdom Fact: Cheetos are fastest land munchie

   Most college girls join a sorority....few earn the title of a US Marine.

   Destiny was never given to us, we chose our own...

   Samsung Galaxy S7 is a water-resistant smart phone which features a 'Charging Warning" when wet. If you want a better way to electrocute yourself, there's always throwing a toaster in a bathtub option!

   Tell me again why we have to Facebook stalk your therapist?

   I poured his heart out and it evaporated. FML

   Pringles should be the only chip company to sell air.

   December is when all the Spring Break babies are born.

   Had to take the batteries out of my smoke detector to use in my TV remote control. Dont judge me...

   Flight attendant who allegedly left cocaine at LAX arrested in NYC, well let's all be fair she knows how to get high in the skies....

   I hate it when I'm in a long line up and suddenly lose my will to live.

   If the family dog could talk right now he would probably say,. Lets eat everything in the house.

   There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin.

   There's never a bad time forcertain people to become 'missing persons. 'Today is no exception.

   Mirror mirror on the wall, why do all most selfies people take look dopey?

   I'm convinced that I'm the only person in the universe who detests rotisserie chicken. Wet and greasy. Like my high school girlfriend.

   Lame Pick-Up Line: Hey girl, are you Juicy Fruit gum because I thought you were really awesome for about 30 seconds.

   You are what you eat - so stay away from the jerk chicken.

   You're never going to satisfy someone who doesn't know what they want. That's why I always get the assortment cookie pack.