Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Inspirational Quote: Be the change you want to see in your car's ashtray.

   ... So ... I cheated on my diet for ONE day and gained fifty pounds .... WTF?

   I’m going to change my name to Benny Fitz…so when people add me on Facebook, it will say;..You are now friends with Benny Fitz.

   When asked my weight, I give what it is on the Moon.

   You kept telling me you knew ancient Chinese secrets and it turned out to be laundry detergent.

   Seeing your ex is huge is like passing your final exam : You leave in a hurry and you're ecstatic it's over.

   I'm gonna party this weekend like its THE PURGE

   If your name is Hollywood there is a 100% guarantee your star power is 0.

   Based on recent history of opening a Capri Sun, I don't feel like I'd be able to stab a zombie during the apocalypse.

   I don't understand Pokemon Go AT ALL which I guess officially makes me middle-age.

   Sir, That is not a Pokemon in the car behind you with those flashing lights ... It's a cop so pull over.

   "Sorry, that last text was intended for my wife" is one text I never want to have to send... again.

   If it were garbage pail kids I would totally be on board.

   Im in the restroom using the urinals and someone walked next to me to catch a Pokemon!

   "Hit em with the Hein!!"

   Went out with this really cute babe today .... Was really kinda disappointed when she took off her bra to find out it just full of Pokemon.

   It's not polluting if the bottles you throw out of the car window into the lake have a note inside of them.

   Hula Hoops were once banned in Japan for causing "obscene movements".

   Really hate to lose my Ashley Madison password. It's not like I can just ask my wife to help me find it.

   Whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around the city committing crimes.