Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Merry 50% off Cake and Candy day everyone!

   You haven't lived until you've had to force yourself to throw up 7 times so as to dislodge a fish bone you accidentally swallowed at dinner.

   I want to set the record straight.....I thought the cop was a prostitute!!!!...lol

   My son kept picking Tootsie Rolls instead of Snickers this Halloween like some sort of candy moron.

   WHAT IS THAT ? A TWISTED SISTER PIN, ON YOUR UNIFORM !

   "When did we first meet?" if we had sex the first I could recall otherwise dont waste my time !

   You go to the refrigerator to see if something is appealing and later on you return to see if anything is appealing as if something magically appeared. Same as checking Facebook throughout the day- the same ol' over and over.

   Houston, we have a problem. Never mind. It's nothing. You know what the problem is. Are you listening me me? Fine. -First woman on the Moon.

   So...this new show called The Wall. Is this what Donald Trump was talking about the whole time? Advertising an hour long game show about Plinko?

   My Favorite machine at the Gym has to be the Television

   Work has been a pain lately. Too much stress at this stage of my life...and for that reason...I'm out. If only life were like Shark Tank.

   A real cop show is one of them being on disability for blowing out a hammy while chasing a suspect.

   If you have the facts on your side, pound the facts. If you have the law on your side, pound the law. If you have neither on your side, pound the table.

   If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with "Portmanteau."

   Have you ever noticed that lOl looks like a man drowning?

   What jugglers do best 1. Juggle 2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle

   For Sale: Slightly used Christmas tree. Cheap. Can pick up in front of neighbor's house.

   I hate it when I eat my last bite, not realizing it’s the last bite, then immediately get sad because I wasn’t able to mentally prepare.

   I'm so old when I was a kid the World Wide Web was connected by a string, and two cups.

   It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.