Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   BREAKING: Jimmie Johnson just won the 2013 Daytona 500....

   I wish my grass was EMO so it would cut itself

   It's funny how when funky smellin powder is sent thru the mail anonomously Homeland Security is all over that sh*t. But when the same kind of funky smellin powder fills the air everytime Hef takes off his daiper at the Playboy Mansion no one gives a sh*t.

   "Everybody loves metal music, or if they don't, they should, or will eventually." - Metal Musicians

   If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.

   well done liverpool fc for knocking manchester united out the FA CUP

   ↖↖↖↖↖↖↖↑↗↗↗ ↗↗ ↗ ←←Fake people everywhere→→ ↙↙↙↙↙↙↙↓↘↘↘ ↘ ↘ ↘

   Halloween: The one day of the year where paedophiles get home delivery.

   Facebook is dumb They have the Poke thing wrong. Guys should have the Poke button, and girls should have a Spread button.

   My wife is so fat she speaks in surround sound!!

   snowed inn with his family a loaf of bread and 3 fish...uh what was that recipe again Jesus?

   BREAKING NEWS: Miami Heat joins LeBron James.

   hates it when old relatives come up to you at weddings and say, "You'll be next, dear". I'm sure they wouldn't be too impressed if I started saying that to them at funerals.

   FML! Met this hot guy at a bar last night.... All I can say is they weren't magically delicious.

   Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in company fridge. Today I had a prawn sandwich named Kevin.

   Hey people going to church, the gym or eating plants; Please keep it to yourself and stop telling us about it all the time.

   Last I checked, the Confederate flag turned white.

   Someone just told me that thw word OK looks like a sideways person. I've said OK my whole life and never noticed him. What's up little guy?

   can now be brought to you in HD.

   counting the number of friends who remind him that it's Friday.