Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When sh!t hits the fan, you have to make the decision to stop chilling with people who throw their own feces at ceiling fans. Seriously guys

   When I get a chick's facebook birthday notification and it's some name I don't know, I'll look to see if she's hot. If she's not...no shout out. I hate myself.

   I think if some people were to actually post something positive on Facebook they would spontaneously combust. Frickin Emos!!

   I am buying a 2013 diary this year because I am an optimistic SOB.

   & who else adds that little pointless arrow - telling your teacher to flip the page over.

   Do personal massagers that don't work end up on the Island of Misfit Sex Toys?

   I was watching Rudolf the other day and I have to call shenanigans, half way through it I realized reindeer can't talk!! Fooled again!

   I'm just like Rebecca Black...it takes me until Friday to decide whether I'm sitting in the front or back seat.

   Had a good scare tonight, thought I was experiencing tunnel vision,. Until I looked in the rear view mirror and I realized was wearing my hoodie... "whew"

   Why don't people throw all of their paperwork up in the air when they're frustrated, like they used to do in 80s movies? It feels great.

   I'd actually be more excited to see an image of a grilled-cheese sandwich appear on a grilled-cheese sandwich.

   America's favorite neighbor isn't Applebee's. It's the neighbor I just met whose garage door code is the same as his ATM Pin (3-5-9-8).

   When I am home alone and I hear a noise, I freeze and listen.

   AOL puts Sandusky news on their sports page. Molestation is physical but it's not technically a sport is it?

   to all my haterz...I hope you step on a lego.

   Cartwheels?...... In this economy?

   I wanna be the reason you hire a private investigator.

   A lady on the streets and a freak in the sheets is impossible. The good freaks wouldn't limit it to a bed. I'll take the freak everywhere

   Posting pictures of a huge supply of hard liquor isn't going to impress anyone but your toxicologist.

   My Doctor tried telling me I'm suffering from a split personality, I told him he was incorrect, as we're both just fine.