Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love the beach but I hate watching the Tide go out…It reminds me of my receding Hairline.

   I am coming mom, I am on Stalkbook, I mean Facebook.

   If you have eatin monkey brains right out of the skull, please brag about it

   I just woke myself up dreaming that I was waking myself up dreaming while I was laughing in my sleep. I don't think that's funny...

   Patient ''Tell me if it hurts?'' Dentist ''No it wont. It will just bleed.

   excited my "Spaceballs: The Flamethrower" finally arrived today!

   People don't seem to realize that doing what's right is no guarantee against misfortune.

   if someone tells you their buns are moldy and you're not in the kitchen....RUUUN"!!

   fb Who needs it, we have each other... right? Hello?

   "Does anybody know what time it really is?" - man with an irrational distrust of watches and clocks.

   Relationships are for two people, but some people just don't know how to count...

   I'm pretty sure it was worse luck for the black cat that crossed my path than me, since I ran it over.

   Dating Tip: Don't!

   My mom always told me not to do drug or talk to strangers, so I decided to do strangers and talk to drugs.

   Being a parent in the South is so easy... You just have to shout "Simmer Down" every few days.

   I no longer say 'YOLO', my philosophy is "LIVIN' LIKE LARRY!"

   ...Snakes & sparklers are the only ones I really like anyways....

   Wish my wife loved me like my cat does but she refuses to come in while I'm sh!tting and lick my leg.

   I wish I had the ability to see 5 seconds into the future so I could know whether to slam the door in someone's face or hold it for them based on whether they thank me or not."

   I'm so lazy I have to Google search "Facebook" just to go to their website.