Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After scrolling social media, I wish COVID-19 was a computer virus that took out the worlds internet. It’d be a better world.

   Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.

   Marriage tip: The first thing you need to ask your wife to do after an eleven-hour work day is give you a serious back rub. Explain to her that playing Xbox all day long really takes a toll on your muscles!

   Most of you believe that this is April. It’s actually the 114th of January.

   You know that your wife's cooking is bad when dessert is Tum's chewables.

   Australia Doesn't Exist And People Who Live There Are Actors Paid By NASA.

   Come on people, drink a cup of Folgers and wake up.

   Altzheimer's Centre prepares for a party to remember!

   : If a dog loses their tail, where do they get another one? At a retail store.

   The goal keeper in soccer is allowed to pick up the ball...so why doesn't he just pick it up and just run across the field to the other goal?

   What is the biggest city in America ? Obesity.

   If I win the lottery I'm going to travel the world asking the citizens if they've ever heard of snow. When someone says WTF IS SNOW I'm home

   I went to a museum and it had all the heads from the statues in other museums .

   The one good thing Joe Biden will experience on Inauguration Day is that he'll no longer be 2nd banana.

   I just saw the video of Trump and the Russian ladies. It isn't as bad as it seems. Trump got stung by a jellyfish, and that is why they were peeing on him.

   I'll bet if two antennas fell in love, the wedding wouldn't be anything special, but the reception would be excellent.

   Make sure to put the letter "L" in the word clocks when you google grandfather clocks.

   Can someone please play with my flux capacitor already?

   I'll tell you one thing. If someone called me "insecure" I wouldn't spend three days having a hissy-fit over it.

   I'm sitting here wrapping Christmas presents with one hand. If you find a Band-aid in your gift, don't touch it. I'm still waiting on the test results.