Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Please accept that there are inherent differences b/w M & W. Otherwise we would just be called MEN! OR JUST WOMEN. You are better at somethings & we r better at other things. Accept nature & let it be

   I slipped on black ice today, it's like regular ice but it steals your wallet afterwards

   The best wife to have is somebody else's.

   I wanna know heather 25's full name so I can find her on facebook. She is pretty damn funny

   wonders if chickens don't have fingers, why do they still sell them in resturants?

   When people hate on you, laugh at them, and then start making their voodoo dolls.!

   Went to the doctors today, he said ive got John McEnroe syndrome... I said..YOU CAN NOT BE SERIOUS !!!

   More people die of car accidents with a Deer than getting killed by terrorists. Maybe we should have them put on the al qaeda watch list.

   "Did you say, 'I'd like to meet her?'" Me: No. I said, I'd like to meat her.

   if I had a beer for everytime you were gay, i'd be like really really drunk

   Dear mother nature, now I know that last year when you made it rain for 40 days and 40 nights we had some words. This year if you ruin my summer again I might have to go against all of what I believe and choke a b***h!

   needs a Facebook button that says "What you just posted makes me want to stab you."

   Whats that Mr. Churchill; you say the germans are picking on your nation again, and you want need some help.

   Rush Limbaugh is the new spokesman for preparation "H". There is no follow up needed.

   I don't believe I had ADHD because I, Dude! Did you see that? Do you like apples? Wow! Candy corn! 45+78= What officer? What was I saying?

   I'm one of the few women Tiger Woods didn't sleep with. That makes me feel proud but at the same time I feel kinda rejected. :(

   Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

   its days like this that some idiot out there feels the bravado to stick the tongue on a metal pole, I prefer to put my tongue on something warm, pink and juicy...

   I know when I take a huge dump its a big relief, is that how Obama feels when he talks?

   When a Mormon knocks on your door to tell you the "good word" you don't answer....why the hell would you want one to lead your country?