Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A Prostitute new to the game was told by her pimp “No sex for the first 7 days..just wanks!” She asked.. “Why only wanks?”..her pimp said.. “Union rules!..you gotta work a week in hand!”

   If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

   For the ladies that cook bacon in a microwave you aint gone never have a man...

   "Anybody can throw a slant" except maybe University of Florida

   I’m not really sure how to get petitions started but I’m a child of the 80’s and want my reboot of The Wonder Years. Shot the same way the original was shot,

   God created the world in 7 days, but took 9 months to create me. So clearly I'm a big deal

   China Travel Tip: If You're mugged by a chinese guy don't even bother reporting it to the Cops. They will probably narrow it down to some 53,000 suspects which will give you a bigger headache than you already have

   Chicks from the hood make the best mixed drinks .... chick made me a apple ciroc & juicy juice & called it ''WIC ON THE BEACH !''

   When I first met my wife she had a little heart tattoo between her breasts. Now it's her belly button.

   I go around at night knocking the little lead pieces off of people's tires at night. I own the tire shop up the street.

   United Airlines.... Board as Doctor, cry like a baby, leave as patient.

   You are catching up to the cool people, Happy Birthday!

   My newest pet peeve on Facebook lately when someone asks for a suggestion on hotels restaurants vacations spots etc.. google it you lazy/dumb F$)&tart.

   Working in a crematorium is a sure-fire way to urn a living.

   Land of the free, home of the Whopper.

   Looks like everyone has staycation the week 4th of July. Party animals, huh?

   I'm not reading between the lines, I'm reading the lines.

   Welcome to the Resistance, Scaramucci. Better late than never.

   [invention of the milkshake] drunk farmer: hey! let’s milk the cows on a rollercoaster

   Every time I watch a Mt. Everest documentary I realize that there are few things I’d voluntarily like to do less than climb Mt. Everest