Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They say the Ugliest parents make the most beautiful babies .. Damn girl your parents must be Fugly

   Bought some prescribe pills to improve my memory. But I keep forgetting to take them.

   As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.

   The mandatory mask rules are preventing fire breathing dragons from defending themselves. Please vote Pro-Dragon.

   Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over

   You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.

   One of the most cherished memories of Christmastime at my house when I was a kid was my mom putting out even more towels that I wasn't allowed to use.

   Don't forget to wave smile and wish your neighbors a Merry Christmas who are kind like Facebook friends you might not really know either, but live closer.

   I imagine after the pandemic when people start socializing again Facebook is going to be about as popular as Myspace.

   Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided

   If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.

   Did you hear about the new squirrel diet? It's just nuts.

   Never judge a clown until you've walked a mile in his shoes!

   If football games begin with a kick-off, why don't hockey games begin with a puck-off?

   The inventor of the helicopter ejection seat has died from severe headache.

   James Woods' agent dropped him, but Scott Baio's agent has already found him a role as a Sandwich Artist at Subway.

   Demi Lovato is doing a remake/cover Amy Whitehouse's REHAB

   What does verizon and a port a pot co. have in common. They both give sh*tty service.

   People spend a fortune on insect proofing their houses and buying fly-spray..then eat in the garden?

   "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember ... *thinking ?!? " Not Twain.