Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Half of the world is composed of people who have something to say and can’t, and the other half have nothing to say and keep on saying it.

   The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.

   I live at work and visit the house sometimes.

   Every day is a half day, if you just leave.

   You learn nothing from life if you think that you’re right all the time.

   When you’re about to spend half a grand shopping online, but then you notice that $15.00 shipping charge…. Not Today!

   When we were young, we were given the impression that strangers would offer us drugs much more often than has happened in real life.

   When a dog wags it’s tail, it’s happy. When a cat wags it’s tail, step back.

   Hope this e-mail doesn’t find you. Hope you’ve escaped and are free.

   I fart on a first date.

   If Merry Christmas offends you, then Merry Christmas!

   Gonna start a page called Older Fans, where it’s just me telling everyone what hurts today and what miniscule task I was doing that caused the pain. Today it’s: My back ~ The rain.

   Places finger on cop’s lips ~ “Shhh…. We were both speeding, okay? I forgive you.”

   Never interrupt your opponent while he's making a mistake.

   FBI, CIA, DOJ: We have investigated ourselves and found ourselves to be innocent.

   They said, “Californy is the place we gotta flee,” so they loaded up the truck and moved back to Tennessee.

   The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away.

   I could really go for a pinata right about now. I’d love to beat the crap out of something and then have some candy.

   I love to shop, but I’ll never buy your bull.

   If a woman says, “my nipples are pierced,” the correct response is, I don’t believe you.