Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wine is for parents that don't have a drug dealer.

   You never see Corey Feldman and Skrillex at the same place at the same time.

   Coolio arrested at LAX after a loaded gun was found in a carry-on bag. But what else do you bring on holiday to a gangsta's paradise?

   Send me one more game request and I show up at your house hammered, at 4am, naked demanding a game of Twister...

   Over 15% of Venezuela residents eat garbage on a daily basis. “Disgusting. We’re so lucky in the US" said an oblivious Arby’s customer.

   Always hope I'm the first person somebody calls when they need help moving so they have more people to call when I decline.

   Angelina Jolie has filed for a divorce from Brad Pitt. Does that mean they will go back to working as independent assassins?

   My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.

   What goes up must come down. Except for crawling underwear.

   We bought this house because it has a perfect spot for the pile of clean socks.

   If I met an alien I'd get him some Dippin' Dots because that would impress him with our planet's science, and also I just like them.

   Pretty proud of myself. Finished a TicTac without biting into it.

   I'd rather lose the game than get Gatorade dumped on me.

   I crash my bike every time I ride it to the pharmacy to pick up pain meds I need for all the injuries from my crashes. It's a vicious cycle.

   Watching documentaries on Netflix has actually taught me that there's no time to chill. Crazy stuff is going on out there.

   Plot twist: The very hungry catepillar does NOT turn into a butterfly but a crying emotional mess who has to go one size up in her jeans.

   The opening question of the VP Debate was basically if you were Kiefer Sutherland do you think you'd make a great Designated Survivor?

   I'm going to write a book of inspirational quotes & then I'm going to jump off a bridge because I want my readers to be thoroughly confused.

   You can teach a pet dog to go fetch your paper...a pet cat will teach you to go F@#K yourself.

   Meteorologists advising people in path of hurricane to tie down things that can be picked up by winds, i.e. stray dogs, hookers, and vagabonds.