Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When one door closes another one opens, in this haunted house I live in....

   Slept like a baby last night. Abandoned, outside of a church in the rain.

   I can't wait for October, when sock selfies supplant feet selfies.

   My white Camaro is fully loaded with a Whitesnake car alarm and denim interior.

   Probably the one thing I enjoy about dating homeless women so much is they really don't seem to care where I drop em off at.

   Dance like no one is secretly going to put that mess on Periscope.

   SHOCKING: Last night, all the cellists in the Hollywood Bowl orchestra sat during the National Anthem.

   The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman

   LIberals scream billying the loudest, then call whoever who do not agree with them, the worst words and degrade them. Just like a bully.

   Ok I admit it, perhaps I shouldn't have yelled "WORLDSTARRR!!" when they dunked my niece's head during her baptism.

   Hate when the same commercial plays twice in a row because for a split second I feel like I finally figured out how to go back in time.

   Multi-coloured drinks make me dizzy and nervous even before I drink them.

   Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.

   On a scale of newlyweds to married 25 years, how willing are you to admit I'm right?

   BREAKING: Ryan Lochte brutally attacked at gunpoint and forced to dance Foxtrot in front of national TV audience.

   Health becomes the main issue of the presidential election in a country that does not offer it to its citizens. This is...sick.

   Clinton 46% but her body double is polling at 62%....

   Brock Turner launching a "Drinking and Promiscuity" speaking tour is like Bill Cosby launching a "Roofies and Asking for It" sleep clinic.

   When someone flirts with you don't let it stop there. Flirt back, remove your shirt, put them in a headlock if you have to.

   It's difficult to not be a narcissist when your birthmark is the symbol of a Dragon warrior and your hair flows in the wind indoors.