Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Uber has announced that their first self-driving cars will hit the streets within weeks. Nice of them to give us a running start.

   Probably the coolest thing about this new Steven Seagal blow up doll is the ego inside inflates itself.

   If the cops show up, I've been here since noon and this is just ketchup on my shirt. Cool?

   Eating candy wafers prepare children for eating Tums when they get older.

   Good thing about electing Hilary is that when she screws up, people will say it could have been worse if we had elected Trump.

   An Olympian biting their gold medal only it's me biting the wine cork I just pulled out with my teeth.

   Hillary says if elected, along with your government cheese, you will also get a cheese grater. #MakeAmericaGrateAgain

   Heres an idea band-aid people: Clear band-aids so you dont have to keep taking them off to show people your cuts.

   Celebrating 100 years of people getting false news on the Internet.

   Considering they got in a car and floated off into the sky I'd really like to know where Danny and Sandy went off to....

   I have NO idea who James Corden is, but I would'nt drive with him.

   Wondering if Quentin Tarantino is directing 2016?!?!

   I ate my first pot brownie tonight and it finally occurred to me Donald Trump is running for President of the United States of America.

   Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you've got alzheimers.

   Perhaps it's best that Jack went crazy in The Shining because if he took that book to a publisher, boy that would've been embarrassing.

   Are we scraping you off the floor or the ceiling today?

   Playing dice with squirrels in parks is strictly prohibited.

   I felt like the ending of this weeks episode of Trump was kind of boring. Right? I guess the writers are building to something big.

   We can’t correct your catastrophic ignorance of The Rockford Files in one sitting. Let’s schedule another session.

   I'm not judgemental until you call Led Zeppelin old.