Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Direct deposit $1400: Me at McDonald’s: sir did just say how much are the French fries? Me: takes the mask off no I said how much is the franchise.

   One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.

   I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up

   Two Section 8's in a relationship don't make 16.

   Alright good work team, we’ve made all the ship jokes and we can stop now

   How do you delete Facebook? I’m not talking about my account I mean the entire thing.

   There is nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed

   If my call is that important to them, why do I have to listen to Air Supply for 20 minutes before they answer?

   just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought I was running

   Why isn’t there a shortage of workers trying to sell me auto insurance?

   Watching the news is like playing Clue. So how do you think Flynn's going to die? Bannon in the bathroom with a needle.

   Buckwheat was asked to use dictate in a sentence. "Darla say my dictate good"

   All voicemails from my Dad start with "HELLO! HELLO!" and end with him trying to dial another number.

   A Baby Whirlpool Bathtub "With a calming whirlpool and massaging bubbles, your infant will enjoy a luxurious spa experience at home!" (Hey, you never know when a 5 month old may need to unwind.)

   Hillary and Barry Obama are going to have matching ankle braclets after federal prison.

   I received some good financial news today Muntabe, the African kid I was sponsoring was eaten by a lion

   I can't believe that United Air offered passengers $800.00 and a hotel stay to give up their seat and not one took them up on it.

   Number 1 reason people voted for Hillary Clinton - They couldnt figure out how to tell their parents they were gay.

   2 predictions - 1) CNN says Democrats have 98% chance of winning the 2020 presidential election. 2) Their wrong again.

   Daddy has a really, really big bomb.