Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A porta potty is a pretty safe place to fart

   Ain't it funny how the night moves When you just don't seem to have as much to lose Strange how the night moves With autumn closing in....

   If I'm ever on life support, unplug me..... then plug me back in. See if that works.

   I'm one smooth operator until I have to get onto an escalator. Then it's more like a baby giraffe finding its legs.

   Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.

   Taco Bell is selling fries. Burger King is selling tacos. KFC is putting Cheetos on chicken sandwiches. I knew we shouldn't have legalized marijuana.

   I want to lose weight but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those eat right and exercise scams

   Not only are parents finding out their kids can't read, the kids are finding out that their parents can't read either during this quarantine

   I wore a mask to run errands today Accidentally robbed a bank

   Sometimes people pretend you’re a bad person so they don’t feel guilty for the things they did to you.

   How TF Nieman Marcus filed for chpt11 bankruptcy when one of their clothes rack can pay for all of our student loans?

   Unprotected sex is like using a credit card, enjoy now and pay later.

   At some point we will have to sit down and discuss Kenny Loggins

   How can fish get high? With seaweed.

   For every women that has rejected me . I'm going to give them chocolate covered Tide pods for Valentine's day

   My plumber said that the weird noise coming out of my shower is me crying.

   One driverless car killed a pedestrian today. Meanwhile, 73 human drivers killed pedestrians today...

   Progressive Rock: A musical genre which requires an inordinate amount of time and skill to write, rehearse, record and perform, only to bore 90% of all music fans to tears.

   Earth is a beautiful planet. However, it's the disproportionate number of its horrible 7.5 billion inhabitants that were responsible for it receiving only 1 star on Intergalactic Yelp.

   I was planning to have my teeth polished but decided to get a tan instead.