Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   New concept: Thinking of writing a book that will be nowhere near as good as the movie.

   a man with a plan. Granted my plan involves beer, strippers and chicken wings but a plan none the less.

   I'm feeling a little superheroish, so tonight I'm wearing my speedo on top of my jeans when I go out.

   Worst. Apology. Ever.

   Im sooo embarrased.. One day at a DEM convention, I yawned and Bill stuck his cokc in my mouth.

   When you and your friends are watching NFL games at home, do you stand for the National Anthem or continues to sit on the couch, drink your beer and eat nacho's?

   Castro Is Dead. Okay, all you Cubanos in Miami can go back now.

   If your kids keep finding the presents you've hidden, put them in the attic. Don't forget to feed them while they're up there.

   'Pokemon Go brought me here' walks into church....finds Jesus instead......

   Cow-tipping cop: Do you know why I pushed you over?... Cow: *sighs... Yes.

   Spoiler alert: Going to more than one rodeo does not make you any smarter.

   If you truly care about the friends you haven't seen in awhile, don't go see them during a pandemic.

   Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.

   Today is my first day of taking fish oil When do I get scales

   That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.

   Children are the greatest gift of all, but punch some holes in the box so they can breathe.

   It's hotter than a spoon at Demi Lovato's house.

   So,,,,,,now that people are eating tide pods,,,,,does that mean they identify as a washing machine, now? I'm confused

   The counter lady at Mcdonalds was American. I said "You are the only one that understands me"

   What happens when you throw a Finnish sailor overboard? Helsinki