Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No woman will ever get caught cheating unless she wants you to know! Basic law of life.

   I talk a lot of crap for someone who still says "righty tighty lefty loosy" before turning anything

   I'm not the person my browser history insists I am.

   Alimony should be spelled allmymoney

   Most licenses expire..... Except for the one most husbands wish would.

   Where do crazy people ride their bikes? On a psychopath.

   Old track star: "When I was young they use to time me with a stopwhatch. Now they use a hourglass."

   Your first mistake was asking her what she is thinking and your second was listening to her reply.

   Assuming intelligence on some people is a big mistake you will regret.

   I am 32 yrs old. I just googled what "Gluten" was. I had no idea.....

   My comfort zone is any place that I don’t have to wear pants.

   being #1 isn't always the best, the most popular pencil is #2 .

   Social media will make you think certain people are way out of your league, only to find out that they also think you are way out of their league.

   Wednesday is known as "hump day". But to my dog, everyday is hump day.

   My company has trouble thinking outside the box. We can't agree on the size of the box, the color of the box, whether it is wood or cardboard, a suitable box vendor or how much to budget.

   Real life friends? In this economy??

   seems to care less about trees when I'm drying my hands in a public bathroom.

   You kids complain about everthing.....You want to know how bad I had it? I'm so old the "Diaper Man" used to come to our house to take the sh#tty diapers away and bring back "clean ones" that really some other kid had sh it in!

   Next year I want me some Pilgrims and Indians at my Thanksgiving meal. I'm tired of this family experience.

   it doenst matter where you click on the ad you will step on the roach