Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nine months from now a boom of babies will be born, and we will call them Coronials!

   Lifted my leg to fart like a young man and fell over

   [stuck at home] son: omg so bored daughter: omg so bored wife: omg so bored me: omg so bored dog: this is the greatest day of my life

   Tried oscillating today! Not a fan!

   It's been awhile but I guess now would be a good time to check on my crops and see how they're growing in Farmville.

   The lockdown has made workout guru Richard Simmons popular again. It's like taking exercise advice from a marshmallow.

   My initial goal is to get really, really fat and be a contestant on The Biggest Loser.

   Can't believe it's only been a month we've been self quarantining is it feels more like I've been doing it since like 1979

   In these trying days of isolation please remember Deodorant is not Optional.

   I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to

   *gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible I have toilet paper

   I asked my North Korean friend how it was there and he said "I can't complain"

   Now would be an Ideal time for Netflix to release Sheldon Cooper presents Sheldon Cooper's "Fun With Flags"

   The man should always walk next to the curb with the woman walking next to the building. That way, if someone shoves a piano out of a 6th story window, she's the one who gets it.

   Locust swarms. Killer ninja murder hornets. Virus pandemics. You were complaining about Christmas music

   I wonder if the offers I had as a kid, "slap you into next year" still stands.

   I'm a genius when you agree with me. I'm an ass when you disagree with me. I'm inconsistant when you don't understand me. I'm all things to all people.

   For some reason I have a feeling that I might have told you this joke about Deju Vu before.

   I hope my retirement home has a jam room and decent studio

   There’s an active shooter situation going on in my pants.