Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I really have to stop using this little microphone on my phone that literally types whatever I say punctuation point

   "I'm going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt" -Men over 50.

   Pretty cool that there's no law saying you can't name your kid Squidward if you want.

   My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.

   Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He's gonna help out around the office. *Monkey flinging office equipment out the window* Brian hates clutter.

   Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.

   computer: enter password me: mypulloutgame computer: password weak all 8 of my kids: daddy why are you crying

   Netflix at 625am this morning :*bursts through door while I’m using the bathroom* ARE YOU STILL WATCHING?!

   Sex with me was once described as, "Not entirely unpleasant if you're a little drunk and have a pretty good imagination."

   Why did the Galaxy Karaoke phone fail? It always played the Samsung over and over again.

   Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words "Me too"?

   I haven't been the same since my mom gave birth to me.

   By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?

   You cant be a Nurse 4 Halloween n have STD's, pick something else, like a Prescription!!

   Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.

   McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back

   Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.

   Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite? Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.

   ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident. HER: Were you hurt? [flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard] ME: So hurt.

   If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold